We had all gathered together. The old crew. All the places were laid and we were just getting food out (Cec and I were hosting so that we could step away and help out our daughter if need be). I was counting the places set one last time to ensure that we were totally covered.
“Twelve! There are thirteen of us, remember?”
The grief catches me in surprising moments like this. I think that I’m totally fine and have come to terms with his absence when all of a sudden it hits me. He’s not here and I’m waiting.
Back to the wilderness.
I sometimes wonder if I’d be better off now if I’d never known him. If I never saw him heal. If he’d never ministered unto me. If I’d never felt my soul on fire with his teaching.
And then I can’t stand the thought. I can’t stand thinking about the ways that my life could have been better without JC. After all he did for me. For us.
I hate myself for even daring to think such a question. He’s fresh in the ground and I’m already wondering what all this was about and if it’d be be possible or even beneficial to imagine a world where I wasn’t wracked with guilt at every absence that I noticed.
Could I have arrived here without this pain and suffering? Or was this an essential part of my adult life experience?
But the grief is debilitating. Worse than before I met JC, because now I know what connecting with the divine is like. Back to seeing through the glass darkly. What am i supposed to do? What is the point?
What was true that he taught? What am I supposed to do with his message now, in the wilderness? He taught so much and promised so much that now seems impossible. How can the Kingdom come if the King is dead?
Even now with his loss the memories of being with him are starting to fade. Some of the things we saw seem impossible. Each passing hour changes what I feel and how I remember. Perhaps the Divinity and truth that I experienced wasn’t. Perhaps it was something less, some kind of trick.
God, how could this happen? How could you let them take him? We needed him? His work wasn’t done. We’d only just started, and now…
I need to keep him near me. Somehow keep him here. Remember him. Honor him. Serve him. I thought he said I’d see him again or that he’d be back or that this wasn’t the end, but I don’t know what he was talking about.
I need JC. I need him. Where can I find him?
Lord, I believe.
Help thou, my unbelief.
And still, I wait.