Jesus: A Thursday Speculative Profile

JC and I walked in for dinner, pretty late. I hadn’t been home since I left early that morning, leaving Cec alone with Baby H— hours longer than I tried to.

It wasn’t that unusual for JC to join us. He didn’t really have anywhere else to go and often found himself at our table, which we were always grateful for. He was a delightful dinner guest, always ready with a witty retort and deep thoughts on everything (though to be honest, I sometimes felt a little like he was operating on a different plane than the rest of us, just seeing a totally different world than we see).

So, JC was over. But something felt different about tonight. He seemed preoccupied, some heaviness weighing him down.

We traded pleasantries and dinner was ready.

JC’s mind was clearly elsewhere, so Cec and I caught up on how each other’s day was, with JC occasionally chiming in. All of us taking turns with H— as the meal went on.

As we wrapped up, JC cleared all the plates and did the dishes (all of them, even the ones from days ago with food crusted onto the pots, pans, plates, and bowls). An unexpected kindness.

As he was finishing, he turned to me, “Conor, I know you’ve got work in the morning, but can you stay up with me? I’m waiting to hear from a friend and…”

“Of course, JC, I mean, Cec’s tired and I’ll probably need to help with H—, but I’ll be just in our room, awake, if you need me.”

His eyes filled with a gratitude, barely masking the pain and longing that was beneath.

“Thank you.”

After bustling around for a couple of hours, we left JC out on the couch, thumbing through Steven Peck’s A Short Stay in Hell, while we went to put H— to bed. Cec was out immediately, exhausted after caring for H— all day.

I woke up to JC, shaking me, my body splayed out across the bed, hand holding a pacifier in H—’s mouth.

“Conor, I’ll never shake the angst about eternity from this book!”

“……wha…..what….what book?” I slur out, still practically asleep.

“This one!” He whispers with necessity and excitement, brandishing Peck’s novella he’d been browsing earlier.

“Mmmmmm, it’s good…huh,” I manage to slip out before my eyes close.

H— is screaming.

My world is spinning. Something is happening. I have to do something. What is that noise? GAH, I scramble for my glasses and my phone to piece together what I’m experiencing.



I blink rapidly, trying to prevent my eyes from closing involuntarily. I reach over to H— and touch her chest, making quiet, calming noises, while I try to wake up enough to help her.

Cec is already awake, checking for a bottle or a diaper. Stumbling around.

“Babe, it’s ok, I’ve got her. You sleep,” I tell her, still feeling some guilt for leaving her alone with H practically the entire day before.

I picked up H— and tried to calm her down, when JC walked in, and I realized that I’d left him totally alone with the existential angst of Hell and felt awful.

“JC, I’m so…”

He simple shook his head, his long curls gently jostling, before reaching out for H.

“Hey, H—…” he trails off, lifting her from my arms and looking deep into her eyes. “Sleep, Conor, I’ll take her.”

“Are you sure?”

He looked at me with that same bone-weary, yet kind look.

“I’m sure.”

“Thank you…” I mumble as he turns to leave.

I get one more look at H— and got the strange feeling that she was helping him as much as he was helping her.   

Jesus: A Wednesday Speculative Profile

Nothing was ever quite the same after I met Joshua. He had a knack for upending life, bringing in the unexpected.

I was in the middle of teaching a class when he first came in. We were talking about rhetoric and the ethics of persuasion and finding common ground, when all of a sudden the door opens, which wasn’t that unusual, and this guy looks in. He’s a little wild looking, but overall, he’s fairly nondescript. I couldn’t give you a clear physical description of him.

I stop and turn, leaving space for him to jump in with his question if he had one and there’s nothing. I wait expectantly.


I turn back to my students, “So, how can you use appeals to pathos ethically?”

“Come,” the stranger at the door beckons, “follow me.”

He then bounds off, the last thing I saw of him before he was out of the classroom, was a knowing smile, with a twinkle in his eye.

I didn’t.


I was out with some friends on the lake. We were sorta fishing, but mostly just wanted to hang and laze about in our boat. I kinda hated fishing, to be totally honest. I’d fished a handful of times with scouting as a kid, but it was so boring (and then you had to kill and gut the fish, which was gross and smelled awful). Anyway. We were fishing.

We’d been out all day and were about to come in. Nothing to show for our efforts. Which is the absolute worst. Usually, we at least had some fresh fish to fry, but nothing. Just vaguely smelling like worms and lakewater.

Then, suddenly, there’s a guy on the shore. He looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t totally recognize him at the distance (not to mention the angle the sun was at).

He calls out to us, “How’s the fishing?”

“Rubbish!” I yell back, as my friends mock my persistent and haphazard use of British slang.

“Try it once more! Cast all your rods on the left side.”

We all look at each other, rolling our eyes, but something about this exuberant guy made me want to humor him.

So we did. Expecting nothing.

I held my rod lacklusterly, not paying attention, until it suddenly jerked and pulled me forward before I caught myself.

As I braced myself against the deck, I looked around and realized that everyone else was experiencing the same thing. We started to reel in our respective catches. As we’re all reeling and reeling, straining against what felt like a blue whale, I look back at the shore and the man has his hand to his mouth, trying (and failing) to stifle laughter.

I land what I think is going to be some monster fish, as do all of my friends. The deck is groaning under the collective weight of these massive fish, when an entire school of fish leaps out of the lake and onto the deck, flopping everywhere. Where suddenly swimming in fish. Slipping and sliding as I try to get out of the ankle-deep pile of fish. The boat is now taking on water, and we’re desperately trying to navigate back to shore, fighting off untold numbers of fish, and the man is now doubled over in laughter.

We land the boat and all manage to get off, pulling fish out of our pockets and sleeves.

As we struggle to figure out what is going on, I finally got a look at this stranger, wearing bermuda shorts, sandals, and a floral shirt, unbuttoned showing his dark brown chest. He had some sunglasses that he pushed up to rest on his black, flowing, shoulder-length hair, revealing the same face that peeked into my classroom. He reached out his hand, saying through an ear to ear grin and barely recovered from his laughter, “Hey, I’m Joshua.”

“Get the hell away from me, man. I cannot handle whatever it is you’ve got going on,” I retort, pushing his hand away.

“Oh, come on, I’ll make you fishers,” he paused, that twinkle in his eye back, suggesting he was very pleased with what he was about to say, “of men.”

I left.


This was a mistake.

The storm raged all around us. Shit. We’re going to die.

We were stranded in the midst of a wild snowstorm, off road, wind and snow blowing in all directions. I couldn’t see anything. Anywhere. We’d tried to walk through it earlier, but fell through the snow banks that were everywhere, not to mention, just being utterly unable to keep our feet steady with the wind and snow.

The snow was starting to bury our truck. Soon we would be unable to open the doors.

A figure was up ahead. Somehow walking eerily through the storm.

“Uh, guys, you see that?” I ask, nudging Andrew next to me, pointing out at this vague person-like figure moving in our direction.

I don’t believe in the abominable snowman or yetis, but damn, what else could be here?
As the figure got closer, the colors were bright, florals maybe?


Everyone looks at me slightly shocked, but awaiting my explanation of what could possibly cause such an exclamation given the near-rock-bottom place we already were.

“It’s that Joshua dude.”

“No way, it can’t be. No human could possibly survive this storm, especially be walking like that. Ask him.”

I look incredulous, but after some more cajoling, figure, what do I have to lose?

I roll down the window and stick my head out and yell, “Who are you?”

“C’mon, man, I’m Joshua! Just look at me!”

He had a point.

But for some reason, felt possessed to say what came out of my mouth next.

“If it’s really you, Joshua, ask me to come to you.”

“Alright, Conor. Come.”

I did.

Jesus: A Tuesday Speculative Profile

I was late. I had to finish up some things at the office before I could leave for the day and my manager kept piling on tasks that I had to finish. It was exhausting. We had our regular meeting of the fringes that night and I was looking forward to actually doing something about all these systems of oppression that surrounded us. Seize the means of production and all that.

I hopped off the bus and quickly walked through the last couple of blocks to get to where we were all meeting. The place was packed. Sports cars and even some sort of law enforcement vehicles were out front. People were everywhere, many of whom I don’t think I’d ever seen before. Something didn’t seem quite right about all of this.  

I walked inside and there was JC, at the table, surrounded by some of our regular crew: John a gay spiritual leader, Pete the sort of violent anarchist from Southeast Asia, and Mary the black, queer activist and pioneer. Yet, there were others I didn’t recognize at first. But as I looked closer, I was bewildered. An ICE agent in the corner chatting with a regular, Carlos. Then there was a crowd of Wall Street types, dressed to the nines in suits that probably cost more than I made in a month. A handful of others were scattered throughout the room that I’d never seen before, that looked somewhat uncomfortable with the crowd.

What was happening.

We were supposed to be planning a protest for this weekend against the very sorts of oppressive forces that these newcomers represented. How could we do that with them all around us? What the hell was JC thinking?

I was fuming.

My fists were clenching, unbidden. Breathe. Calm down. There’s gotta be a reason for this. I was just calming myself when one of the Wall Street bros (he looks like a Chad, he’s gotta be a Chad) came over to JC and hands him this bottle of Screaming Eagle Cabernet that cost more than I had made in my entire life. Combined. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I lost it.

I stormed over and snatched it from the dudebro’s hands, as JC was reaching for it.
“Now, look, man. I know you probably don’t realize this, but we could do so much more good with the money you spent on this bottle. Think of the poor! What are you even doing here? Do you even know what JC is about?”

He was flabbergasted. Stumbling over his words, as I clenched the bottle, a miracle that it didn’t shatter into a thousand pieces (or a testament to my scrawniness).

JC reached up, gently removing the bottle from my death grip.

He nods apologetically to Wall Street, as I turn to look at him, deflated and hurt.

“JC, what’s all this? We were on the cusp of SOMETHING. We were about to do great things. Great things! And now…” I trail off as I wave my hand at all the partying and gluttony that surrounded us, “this.”

JC looks at me, then to the bottle in his hand and turns it over, drinking in every detail of the craftsmanship. Hyperfocused.

He gestures for a couple of glasses, opens the bottle and pours two glasses.

He hands one to me, which I refuse, putting my hands up in front of me.

He shrugs and purposefully swirls the wine beneath his nose, breathing in.

He sips, letting the cabernet flow gently throughout his mouth.


“I…I…I don’t understand. I thought you stood for the marginalized, the oppressed, the sinner, but these…”

“I do.”

“But, how can you stand for all of them, when you’re, you’re here, eating and drinking with the enemy! The oppressor! The very thing we’re fighting against! Drinking their wine!”

“It’s a mighty fine wine.”

“JC…that’s the point. We could do so much good with that money, instead of squandering it on wine. Typical Wall Street…selfish.”

JC moves his hand to my shoulder. He reaches for the glass of wine he offered me earlier and offers it again. His eyes steady, looking directly at me. That mix of steeliness and joy that is so damn intoxicating. His lips turn up in a weary smile.

I take the glass.

“That is a mighty fine wine.”

I join him on the couch.

“Conor, are these not all sinners? All need what we preach. Even the oppressor, the sinner, the enemy.”

“But, but, how can the oppressor and the oppressed sit and eat at the same table? Doesn’t that fail to really bring about justice?”

JC sorta shrugs and looks meaningfully to the bottle of wine on the table.

“Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.”



JC looked up from the ground, where he’d been drawing in the dirt with some kids.

“What’s up?”

I looked sheepishly around.

“Can you heal this woman’s daughter? I tried and…” I sighed and lowered my head, “nothing happened.”

“Bring her here.”

I mouth, “thank you” as I go with the woman to bring her daughter to JC.

As we enter the woman’s house I’m struck once again by how little they have. There’s a beat-up laptop on the table, open to a GoFundMe page, trying to raise money for treatment for Rebecca, the woman’s daughter. Brochures for various alternative medicine are scattered throughout the house. The woman, Kristina, looks like she hasn’t slept well in months. Lines of worry crease her face.    

“Sorry about the mess,” she says to me after we’ve been in the house for a few minutes, as if she just realized the disarray and disaster that surrounded us.

“Don’t worry about it. What’s going to be the best way to get your daughter to JC?”

We figured out how to get Rebecca from the house to JC (Rebecca’s wheelchair worked most of the way and then we cobbled together a ramp and some other things to make it the final stretch).

As soon as Rebecca wheeled up to JC, his face lit up.

“Your sins are forgiven you!” He shouted, arms raised to the sky, before crouching down and kneeling in front of her, clasping her hands in his, their eyes locked, whispering earnestly “your sins are forgiven you.”

Weeping, she breathed, “Thank you, brother.”

As JC straightened and turned to return to the children, she caught his shirt, “Wait.”


He stopped and turned to face her again, waiting.

“Heal me.”

He nodded and crouched again, placing his hands on her knees, and pressing his forehead to hers, “Rise, and walk.”

Kristina and Rebecca embraced, mother and child, as if for the first time, holding each other. Tears streaming down their faces.

JC grinned softly before jogging over to the kids playing, his hair flowing in the wind.

Jesus: A Monday Speculative Profile

“Guys! Guys, GUYS

A chorus of what’s, huh’s, and vaguely interested sounds picks up in response.

Joshua is thrilled about something. He’s beaming from ear to ear, his eyes lighting up against his brown skin.

“The prophets were the shit. Those guys, they just really knew what was up. Preaching truth to power and all that. A true inspiration.”

We all muttered affirmatively. John started to “well, actually…” but the rest of us realized that Joshua was about to be up to something. And one always wanted to know what precisely Josh was on about since he never seemed to really make sense. Speaking in riddles.

“They were talking about us. I mean, me, but all of us. We’re all involved in these prophecies, from the beginning.”

Joshua would get like this sometimes. Just wildly animated about scripture. He hungered for it. He thirsted for it. He lived and breathed scripture. We figured that was why he sometimes said things that the rest of us just didn’t quite get.

We all dug into the sections that Joshua was looking at, but couldn’t quite make sense of them.

“Joshua, we get it. You’re incredible and blessed beyond measure, some holy treasure sent down to grace our presence,” I said somewhat snarkily, ribbing him.

“Conor, beware the leaven of podcasters and CES instructors.”

“Josh, is this about the bread I forgot the other day because, I swear, it won’t happen again.”

“The Son of Man will be delivered into the hands of men, but will rise again the third day.”

“Hey, Joshua, is this a red pill, blue pill situation because I think I need to go down the rabbit hole to get any sort of sense out of whatever the hell you’re saying…”

Joshua wasn’t listening, He was just doodling in his notebook. He was like that. He’d drop this wild, impractical ideas and then just zone out. Like everything was clear and simple and you just had to feel it out and you’d arrive at the truth too,.

I often feel confused around Josh. I feel something deep and beyond myself, but I’m not sure what it is or what to do about it.

Joshua is a puzzle. An enigma.

“Hey, guys, come follow me!”

Joshua was up and out of there, leading us on the next grand adventure. I still wasn’t clear on what the first one or two or adventures we’d all gone on together were all about, but something about his riddles keeps me going.

To riddles, weird happenings, and gusto for the scriptures. That’s what kept me coming back, I think.

PoX and the Crisis of Revelation

On November 5, 2015, one of the most challenging and painful moments for my relationship to institutional Mormonism, The Church, occurred. A Policy (labeled the Policy of Exclusion or PoX) was leaked that explicitly labeled same-sex married couples as apostates, subject to excommunication. The Policy continued to define children of those couples ineligible for baptism and other official saving ordinances until their 18th birthday, or with First Presidency approval.

I’ve written more than once about the PoX in the years since. I felt then, and reiterate now, that the PoX is harmful, and I cannot believe in the God that would reveal it. For a couple of months, I felt hurt and upset, but could pretty comfortably label the PoX as “policy” and therefore more from man than God. That all changed in January 2016.

Pres. Nelson at a youth devotional explicitly went out of his way to describe the PoX as “revelation.” Suddenly, the “policy” was elevated to something explicitly coming from God (for some this move was immaterial, but it felt significant to me and instituted another wrestle with the PoX and God, trying to suss out if I was wrong. I concluded I wasn’t and that all I could do was to continue to love my fellow queer Mormon comrades and be there for them whatever they decided to do).  

Today, 4 April 2019, the PoX was reversed. Mostly without fanfare. Less than four years after it was first put into place and barely over three years after Pres. Nelson explicitly described it as revelation.

So where does that leave us?

As Paul taught, seeing through a glass darkly. Once again. Perhaps even murkier than before.

To be clear, I’m glad the PoX is gone. It is a good thing to no longer have. But we never needed it in the first place. And countless queer Mormons and their families and friends have had mental, emotional, and spiritual violence done to them by the PoX. Married queer Mormons were excommunicated, cut off from their covenants. Their children were denied access to holy, saving ordinances. Others felt pushed out and unwelcome by language that described their hoped-for future as “apostate.”

No apology for this harm was to be found today.

I ache for my queer Mormon comrades who were told that they were unwelcome and have unceremoniously been given the smallest entry point without a word concerning their pain and suffering.

I sorrow at the continued pain and suffering my queer Mormon comrades experience at the hands of the institutional Church and its members.

We can and must do better.

I celebrate for those that will never know the pain of the PoX, but ache for the pain of those that have and are already being forgotten. We must remember what we have done. We must never forget. We must be better.

Where is God in all of this? What is God saying and to whom?

We, as a culture, are facing a crisis of revelation on multiple fronts. This crisis has been ever-present in the Church, but seems to be boiling over in ways I have never seen (but certainly have some historical precedents).

At the root of this crisis is one of the fundamental paradoxes of Mormonism: the Liahona and the Iron Rod, or personal revelation and institutional authority (Terryl Givens’ book People of Paradox and David Frank Holland’s essay “The Triangle and the Sovereign: Logics, Histories, and an Open Canon” from The Expanded Canon: Perspectives on Mormonism and Sacred Texts are insightful reading to this tension, as well as Richard D. Poll’s two essays in Dialogue: “What the Church Means to People Like Me” and “Liahona and Iron Rod Revisited”).  

The institution gave us PoX, explicitly describing it as revelation. I received what I can only describe as personal revelation, that the PoX was not, in fact, God’s will.


Where do we go from there? I was in conflict with the institution. I spoke up about the PoX on my blog a few times, on twitter, and in personal conversations. I was never in a position of authority where I would be called upon to enforce the PoX, and even before I was married had straight-passing privilege. My queerness is of a more subtle variety that makes the overt navigation of these moments easier (even if it does little to ease and may even aggravate my inner turmoil and navigation. There’s more to be said about that and the luck of my straight-passing marriage and the guilt and lack of belonging I feel in the queer community, but that’s for another day. May all queer relationships receive the respect, love, and institutional support that mine has received).

Today, what was once described as revelation has been repealed, implicitly describing the decision as revelation and explicitly referring to the revelatory nature of the process by which the decision was arrived at, which leaves us, dear reader, with many questions.

Was the PoX ever revelation?

If so, why did God change His/Her/Their mind?

If not, did Pres. Nelson lie? Or did he sincerely, yet wrongly, believe that it was revelation?

Was it right to oppose the PoX from the beginning, like I and countless others did?

How are we supposed to navigate the messiness of personal revelation and institutional authority?

If the PoX was never from God, why is there no open acknowledgement that it was wrongly presented as God’s will?

How does a Church that believes in continuing revelation maintain continuity?

How do we allow for continuing change?

How do we create a culture of prophetic fallibility without totally crumbling the authority of the institution? A culture that allows for loyal opposition, that calls out harm and pain caused by ideas and doctrines, even when they come from the highest echelons of the institution?

How do we empower people so that they no longer need to be commanded in all things and build their own personal, spiritual autonomy?

How do we heal the wounds caused by the missteps that we have taken along the way?

How do we continue to heal and grow as we inevitably make mistakes in the future?

How do we hold powerful people and institutions accountable for the pain and suffering that they have caused? How do they make restitution?

I don’t have answers, but these are the questions that I can’t quite shake.

I’m reminded of the opening verse and chorus to the powerful Jack’s Mannequin tune, “The Resolution”:

“There’s a lot that I don’t know

There’s a lot that I’m still learning

But I think I’m letting go

To find my body is still burning

And you hold me down

And you got me living in the past

Come on and pick me up

Somebody clear the wreckage from the blast

And I’m alive

And I don’t need a witness

To know that I survived

I’m not looking for forgiveness

I just need light

I need light in the dark as I search for the resolution”

This shift is some of that light and it illuminates the wreckage from the PoX’s blast. That light is in the truth that my queer Mormon comrades live and breathe every day, that they and their relationships are holy and good. That light is in our scriptures that remind us that “all are alike unto God.” That light is in art and music and film and literature. That light is truth. That light is love.

May we all be and shine some more of that light as we join together to search for the resolution.

91st Oscar Best Picture Pairings

The past year or two I’ve put together some pairings of films for all the Best Picture Nominees. Generally, to highlight films that I really enjoyed during the year that were mostly or completely ignored during the Oscars and awards season broadly. So, without further ado, here are my film pairings for this year:

A STAR IS BORN— like tragic love stories? With women that rise to the occasion? Swap the music for a heist plot & watch WIDOWS

BLACK PANTHER — like films that blend fantasy and reality with spiritual & political messages? Watch A WRINKLE IN TIME (Netflix)

BLACKKKLANSMAN — like films about complex racial dynamics that have sharp humor but also wild, gonzo, imaginative third acts & fierce politics? Watch SORRY TO BOTHER YOU (Hulu)

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY— like 60s/70s aesthetics and music narratives about redemption, but want more violence and mystery? Watch BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE

THE FAVOURITE — like women doing wild stuff and taking vengeance against men with immaculate production design and an abundance of deadpan? Watch THOROUGHBREDS

GREEN BOOK — like films about race that involve music, but prefer black people to be centered in those narratives? Watch the best film of 2018, BLINDSPOTTING

ROMA — like films about quiet, everyday women, but prefer them in color with a strong dose of atmospheric horror? Watch ANNIHILATION (Prime & Hulu)

VICE—Like political dramas but want a more traditional filmabout a democrat? Watch CHAPPAQUIDDICK (Netflix). Like political films but wanted more humor & distance but keeping the zany bits? Watch THE DEATH OF STALI


Eighth Grade (Prime)
Leave No Trace (Prime)

The Hate U Give

Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse

Jane & Emma


Come Sunday (Netflix)

A Quiet Place

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?

The Miseducation of Cameron Post

First Reformed (Prime)

Crazy Rich Asians

Isle of Dogs

PS Here’s my ranking for the 2019 OSCAR BEST PICTURE NOMINEES, in order of my preference for their respective wins:



Black Panther

The Favourite


A Star is Born

Bohemian Rhapsody

Green Book

The Theology of Radio

Embracing the Given Good

I used to hate the radio. Frustrated with constant commercials and an inability to ever find exactly what I was looking for, it seemed outdated—a thing of the past that our modern era of immediate satisfaction and constant customization should have replaced. For years, I have had the pleasure of avoiding the radio at all costs. My car allowed me to plug-in my phone and choose whatever my heart desired. My music and podcasts were at my beck and call, I was the King, the God of my creations.

A few months ago, that all changed as the adapter I was using broke. Suddenly, my only choices were to drive in silence or to return to the radio.

I begrudgingly ceded my authority to The Radio. No longer the Master of My Fate.

I struggled for a few weeks with feeling frustrated that I couldn’t listen to what I wanted as I drove. Every time I started the car I was reminded of what I couldn’t do. My expectations were frustrated. The expected good that I had come to enjoy had been taken from me.

Yet. I eventually began to realize I had gained something.

I was driving home from work and flipped the radio away from NPR where I usually kept it to avoid the pain of commercials and switching between stations to hear as little of them as possible. I settled on a classic rock station and a familiar bass and drum beat that I couldn’t quite place played over the radio.

I was drumming my fingers on the steering wheel, memories of listening to Arrow 107.1 in Idaho Falls as I drove around stirring and mingling with my view of I-15 as I returned to Provo. Suddenly, a saxophone joined in with a riff I’ve heard countless times, before Daryl’s voice begins crooning and then I was all in, the lyrics flooding back as if I’d memorized them the day before, “she’ll only come out at night…”

I totally lost myself in the song and the song after that and the song after that, until I was pulling onto our road and that unparalleled listing of historical figures and events graced my ears, so I park and rock out with Billy until the song finishes, fading out to calls of fire burning and the world turning.  

I had rediscovered the joy of radio, the bliss of the Given Good.

Often I find myself distracted by what I expect to happen. I read the scriptures expecting to feel or respond a certain way, I apply for jobs expecting to quickly receive offers left and right, I apply to PhD programs and expect to be accepted and given generous stipends and aid packages. I expect justice and equality in how my fellow humans are treated.

Sometimes these expectations, through no fault of their own and perhaps in spite of the righteousness of them, block me from accessing the good that I am given. I miss what has been given because I am so focused on what I expect.

The radio teaches me to do otherwise.

I can embrace the Given Good. H was born two weeks early. That was not expected. Cec and I were a little flustered that everything we had planned for was for naught and that we lost out on the way we were hoping to spend the remainder of our holiday.

However, we tried to let go of what we had expected—a baby arriving in early January, when we had fully prepared our home and I had crossed a few more films off my theatrical watch list (If Beale Street Could Talk, Aquaman, Mary Poppins Returns, etc.)—and embrace what was given. My brother was going to be able to meet H much sooner than anticipated (he lives across the country currently and it probably would have been six months or more until he met her otherwise). Tax benefits. Near-perfect timing for me to maximize time off work between holidays and my paternity leave. Cec spending two fewer weeks pregnant. Convenient timing for a baby blessing in the next little bit.

Expectations are valuable and helpful even. We need the Expected Good to drive us and to motivate, to help us recognize when things aren’t right and could be improved, to help us find where to better the world. Yet I’ve found that I need to temper that desire. I cannot focus so much on what I expect to happen that I lose sight of what is happening and the Good that has been Given.

The Given Good may not be definitively better than the Expected Good, but it has been Given. And who’s to say that it isn’t better? I cannot know what is not, nor how I would respond to what may have been, but I can strive to embrace what I have been given and to find the good in it. To see the opportunity that is in front of me rather than noticing the absence of what I thought was awaiting.

Perhaps this is all another iteration of the serenity prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference

That to me is The Theology of Radio. That is grace. That is embracing the Given Good.

On Fatherhood

On my wedding anniversary, my daughter was born. I became a father (I suppose I was a father in some technical sense prior to that, but I didn’t feel like a father until I saw our child’s head crowning). What does it mean to be a dad? It is unlike anything I have ever experienced (and I’m sure those feelings only increase as my time as a father goes on).

Reality hit as soon as I saw her body—she was real, breathing, moving, living, and I had created her—we had created her. I knew in some abstract sense before then that I would be a father soon, that there was a child inside Cec, growing and living. But it wasn’t until I saw her, I looked on her, that I really felt that that was true. I’d felt her kick and move before, but always via Cec. All my interactions with her were mediated.

The doctors and nurses and midwives immediately placed H on Cec’s chest, skin-to-skin. I ran my hand through her hair, my finger gently touching her cheek and hands. We hung out in the delivery room for a couple of hours while the hospital staff finished their checks and work. I was in a daze, perhaps because I was starving and exhausted after twelve hours without food or sleep, but also just glowing with joy at the reality of our child. The moment was unreal—transcendent—moving beyond this reality and into some other plane of existence that feels almost like a dream, where emotions are heightened to an extraordinary degree.

We moved rooms and eventually, a few hours after she was born, in the late quiet of our hospital room, I held H—pressed her body close to my bare chest and sat in the low hum of the medical busyness that surrounded us.

As I sat and held her and looked at her, I felt bound to her. We are connected. Tied together forever. Inseparable. If this is love, it’s of a different sort than I’ve ever felt. I look at her face and am swallowed for hours. I am utterly and completely responsible for her and utterly and completely helpless to protect her from the whims of God or the universe or the world. And yet, we are bound. Nothing can cut the cord that binds us together.

She contains infinite possibility. Cec and I are here to help her explore and unlock some of that potential. We are the gardeners, to bring her the water and sunlight that she needs to grow and live and be. She could be anything, could like anything, could do anything. And will. And I hope to see it.

Is this how God feels? Does God look down on us and feel bound to each and every one of us? Does God watch me and feel responsible and helpless all at once? Does God watch me flail and cry and wish He/She/They could just explain in terms I understood what the point of everything is? Does God suffer when I suffer? Rejoice when I rejoice? Do I give God some inexplicable and deep, abiding joy? Does God smile when I do?

I’d like to think so.

I feel tied to H by something greater than either of us—we are bound, sealed, linked, tied, connected. Our fate is intertwined. I will go wherever she goes, a part of me will always be with her—holding, comforting, mourning with, watching, laughing, crying, being.

We are bound. I am responsible. I am helpless.

I’m in love.

Joys of Discipleship

A friend asked me the other day how I find joy as a disciple of Christ and I asked if I could think on it for a bit, to which he replied in the affirmative and here’s my answer, in blog form. I’ve thought about joy and feeling joy in my worship and discipleship quite a bit over the years (sparked initially by the famed verse that “Adam fell that man might be and men are that they might have joy” and a talk, I believe by then-Elder Nelson, about finding joy in our keeping of the Sabbath and other commandments).

Defining joy seems like the only way to begin. Joy strikes me as different than happiness. Not necessarily in the way we often distinguish those two feelings (joy as divine and eternal whereas happiness, or more frequently pleasure, is worldly and fleeting), but more in the composition of the feeling. Joy is a more complex emotion than happiness. Joy may manifest as a pure, ecstatic, uncontained happiness (like watching Speed Racer or seeing the Millennium Falcon fly through Jakku in The Force Awakens or seeing Cec after a long day at work). But joy also can be a deeper, slower feeling of contentment. A sense that everything is just right. The kind of quiet goodness that may be less often expressed or sought after, but is perhaps more valuable. Joy leaves room for sorrow and devastation. It isn’t those feelings, but it’s not chased away by them. Though perhaps above all, joy demands to be shared, to be experienced with others, to bring others in, to reach out and embrace. Joy demands that we commune together.  

Five actions encompass the different ways that I tend to find joy in my personal discipleship. They’re somewhat interconnected, but I think distinct enough to go through one by one.

1. Learning

Study and learning is remarkably rewarding for me. I interact with most things first on some sort of intellectual or conceptual level and studying and learning definitely facilitates that. I find that to really be a disciple of Christ I need to learn things (not necessarily know things, but the act of learning and studying in pursuit of knowledge, however incomplete, is a pursuit that I find joyful).

Not everyone loves to study and learn, but as a naturally quite curious person, I love to learn and discover new perspectives and insights and find them enriching. The act of reading and re-reading and having my ideas challenged and new twists on old stories that I’ve read countless times is thrilling and joyful in a way that few things are. I love to learn.

2. Sharing

But as I mentioned above, joy is not content in isolation. The joy of learning something new is doubled when it is shared. This act of sharing helps me build a community of discipleship that collectively strengthens me. I love to have people to share thoughts and ideas with and sharing them enriches my own initial understanding and brings new light to me—again, helping me learn.

Teaching is one way to facilitate this sharing and luckily, Cec and I are Gospel Doctrine teachers in our ward. We get to share our insights with others frequently and I love it. I love to bounce ideas back and forth and to enlarge the perspectives of others. A couple of weeks ago, we taught about Esther and shared that during the Jewish festival of Purim, it is customary to boo and jeer whenever Haman is mentioned or comes on stage and I invited the class to follow that custom during our lesson. At one point, I mentioned Haman and a hearty chorus of boo’s rang out from the class and I experienced true joy right then and there.

3. Feasting

Joy seeks depth—joy is a feast. Connected to learning and sharing, I find joy in digging into and feasting on the word. I enjoy the depth of detail associated with the idea of feasting. I like to think of the digging into different ideas as feasting—feasting is the depth that comes after learning, as I sit with ideas and ruminate on them, ponder, write, wrestle—all of that is feasting for me.

I love to lose myself in the details, in the moment of discovery—swallowing every syllable and detail. To feast is to savor. And for me, to savor is joy.

4. Communing

Communion brings me joy. My word of the year is communion and I detailed more in a previous post what exactly I hope to do with that. Communion is the collision of learning, sharing, and feasting. Yet communion is more than that—it’s a state of being. It may be temporary, and in fact often is. But communion—with God, with the Divine, with my family, with other disciples, with film & books—brings joy.

I feel that I can recognize the humanity of discipleship in communion. Humanity and seeing the best of it brings my joy. I believe in the goodness of people and communion reminds me of that belief and gives my hope and from that hope I find joy.

5. Appreciating

The last piece of my personal discipleship that brings me joy is somewhat of a catch-all—appreciating. I strive to appreciate all the weirdnesses of life and the funkiness that surrounds my Mormon journey. As I was thinking about this post, I watched Monty Python’s Life of Brian which I find hilarious and insightful. I was struck by the final song of the film “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”, which is sung as Brian and others hang on crosses. It seems to me that we can always stop and appreciate some of what surrounds us (I know the song is somewhat or entirely mocking some of the overly optimistic nature of believers, but ya know).

Even if I cannot quite do or understand everything I wish to, I can appreciate small moments of fun. Or even when I am frustrated by the slowness or corporate nature or any other element of the community I worship in, I can appreciate ironies or dark humor of what happens around me, laugh and therein find some joy.

A final thought—I think there are at least two large types of joy: the joy of possibility and discovery and the joy of accomplishment. For me, these two types are connected to thoughts from Bruce C. Hafen’s 1979 address “Love is Not Blind: Some Thoughts for College Students on Faith and Ambiguity.” Hafen presents a taxonomy (that like all taxonomies is limited in its reductive nature, but helpful as a starting place) of faith in three broad stages, based around Hafen’s view of the world as two circles, one inside the other—the real inside of the ideal. Stage One is individuals that see the ideal as the real—there is no boundary between them. Stage Two individuals see only the gap between the real and ideal. Stage Three individuals strive to stand with one foot planted in the real and one in the ideal, to slowly but surely bring the real closer and closer to the ideal.

Joy must be found in recognizing and successfully identifying the gaps between the real and the ideal—there’s a comfort in that discovery and the possibility for things to be improved and the myriad ways that improvement may be accomplishment and the gap may be closed. Joy is also found in the successful closing or narrowing of that gap—I feel joy of accomplishment when I or others have worked hard to bring the real one step closer to the ideal.

Joy is a tricky emotion, but one that I think is worth pursuing and can bring great value to us in our pursuit of discipleship. After all, we are that we might have joy.

Year of Communion

My life in 2019 will be quite different from the life that has come before—I’m a father, potentially beginning a PhD program in the Fall, and still pretty new to this whole marriage gig. In part because of that and partially because I fell short on almost every one of my numerical goals for 2018 and still don’t have a sense of what’s reasonable or even good to strive for, I’m largely avoiding goals that describe the amounts of various actions.

Instead, I want to focus on the way I engage with things. My word of 2019 is communion and I hope to use that to guide my interaction with the films and television I watch, the books I read, and the miscellaneous other media I engage with, as well as to inspire my interactions with others around me.


As I do that I hope to use my reading and watching and writing and listening to connect with others and to better understand the world around me. I want to watch everything, read everything, know everything. That desire sometimes results in a relentless pursuit of media consumption for consumption’s sake—an empty pursuit that may view films and books as items on a checklist. I know that I can never watch everything nor read everything, so to combat this voracious appetite, I want to deeply engage with everything that I read or watch this year. The quantity of experiences may decline, but I hope to truly find a state of communion as I engage with media this year. To savor each experience that I have. Sucking the marrow out of the bones of the experience, if you will.

I’m going to work to use any theatrical viewings as further communing experiences by going with friends I haven’t seen for a while or want/need to reconnect with. I am not great at keeping in touch with friends that live elsewhere and hope to improve somewhat with that this next year.


As I type this, I’m holding my newborn daughter (H) on my lap, while my wife sleeps in the other room. I want to ensure that throughout 2019 I commune with both of them together and individually. I want to strengthen our relationships as a family, to commune with Cec and be aware of her needs, as her husband, but also to be a father to our daughter—to hold her, talk to her, be with her, get to know her.

I know that life is busy and wild and will only get more so, but I don’t want to lose the small, quiet moments of communion in that busyness. I hope to treasure them and to truly revel in the small things. The soft, clear look in H’s eyes when she opens them or the way her fingers curl as she holds them near her mouth or how she furrows her brow and takes on the persona of a grumpy old man.

I want to set aside the cares of work and the world as much as I responsibly can when I come home to simply be with Cec and H. Communion is somewhat elusive, but I can be there for when it comes. I can be a willing participant, ready and available to commune when the moment comes. I hope to choose communion with my wife and daughter, as much as possible. We’ll see if I can remember this when I’m half-asleep and H wakes up in the middle of the night, screaming and refusing to calm down.


Perhaps the thought that guided me to communion as my word for 2019 was connected to the study of the New Testament for Sunday school this next year. I want to focus on Christ and God and building a relationship with the Divine—I hope to commune with them. Cec and I were talking about Christ and why people are drawn to him. Much of my interaction with Christ is intellectual, which I think can be a type of communion, but only if I engage with it in certain ways.

I want to find more moments to commune with the Divine. As we go through the New Testament for studying, I hope to look to Christ to get a better understanding of who he is and what he teaches. As Cec and I read and study and teach in Gospel Doctrine, I want to draw attention to communion throughout scripture. Gina Colvin drew my attention to one of her faith community’s mottos that describes the attitude of communion that I hope to seek and establish:

As if around the table all humanity stands.

Hopefully we can build a sense of community in our class to create opportunities for communion among ourselves and with the Divine.

Another thing I plan on doing to find a state of communion with the Divine is to write more of my speculative profiles of the Divine—the three I have written have helped me feel a more emotional connection to the Divine. I plan to continue to use my writing to explore what I learn in my study and to find new access to the Divine.

Communion is a communal event and I hope that we can all find communion together. If you have thoughts on how to find communion with God or how we can commune together, please share. Here’s to 2019 being a year of communion, remembering that all humanity stands around the table.